Both Sides of a Matter
Bob Yandian
The book of Proverbs has three great pillars: knowledge, understanding, and wisdom. Knowledge collects the facts. Understanding arranges the facts. Wisdom applies the facts. Somewhere between learning and doing is that holy pause where the Holy Spirit brings order to what you know. That pause is called meditation in the Word of God. You read, pray, ponder, listen—and then you step out in wisdom. This is how the Lord wants us to handle the matters of life.
It is important for us to investigate a matter, then have patience in the matter for the will of God to be shown to us. Too many believers run off with emotion, jump into a situation, and never stop to ask, “Lord, what do You say about this?” Proverbs 16:20 says it plainly: “He who handles a matter wisely will find good, and whoever trusts in the Lord, happy is he.” Wise handling of a matter is not reaction; it is response—measured, prayerful, and scriptural.
Finding Good by Handling a Matter Wisely
“He who heeds (handles) the word wisely will find good” (Proverbs 16:20). Wise handling gains as many facts as possible before making a decision, then takes those facts to prayer, asking the Holy Spirit to arrange them. Once the facts are collected and ordered, wisdom steps in, and then acts. You will “find good” because God’s wisdom always leads to peace, clarity, and fruit. The second half of the verse adds the attitude: “Whoever trusts in the Lord, happy is he.” Trust and joy come alongside wisdom like twin companions. You do your part—investigate, listen, pray—and then you trust the Lord with the outcome. The result is joy.
In other words, information first, interpretation second, implementation last. Skip the first two and your “implementation” will be guesswork. God never asked us to be impulsive; He asked us to walk by faith—and Bible faith listens before it leaps.
Kings Search Out a Matter
“It is the glory of God to conceal a thing, but the honor of kings is to search out a matter.” Proverbs 25:2
God can conceal because He is omniscient. He knows every thought, every motive, every end from every beginning. He knows “the story behind the story.” You and I are not God. We do not know the whole picture; therefore, it is our honor—our dignity and duty—to search out a matter.
“Shouldn’t I conceal it like God?” No. You can’t conceal what you don’t fully know. God knows when to reveal and when to cover, when to expose and when to protect, because He sees the entire landscape. We don’t. Kings search out a matter. That means moms and dads, Sunday school teachers, pastors, business owners, team leaders, elders, coaches—anyone entrusted with influence—have the responsibility to seek both sides before reaching a conclusion.
We have an expression for making decisions on partial information: “running off half-cocked.” A cocked revolver left that way is dangerous; it can fire accidentally and injure someone. So is the person who hears one side of a story, believes it, and runs off in anger to defend it. That believer is primed to hurt himself and others. Don’t do it. Search it out.
Two Sides in the Same Room
A dear lady from church once caught me in the aisle and poured out a ten-minute description of her husband. By the time she finished, I was hot under the collar. “Pastor, I think I should get a divorce.” It sounded open and shut. But the Holy Spirit prompted me: Get the other side. I told her, “I hear you, but I don’t know your husband. Will you bring him in?” She didn’t like it, but a few days later they both came.
When he spoke, the missing pieces surfaced. I asked, “She said this—did it happen?” He turned, “Did you say that?” She hesitated, “Well, I didn’t tell the full thing.” Suddenly the puzzle fit. The issue wasn’t one monster and one victim. It was two people with two perspectives and a pile of miscommunications. By the time we finished, wisdom had room to operate. They reconciled, and he even began attending church. If I had run off half-cocked, I would have injured a marriage.
Don’t Answer Before You Investigate
“He who answers a matter before he hears it, it is folly and shame to him.” Proverbs 18:13
The one who decides and concludes before he hears—that is, before he investigates—will end in folly and shame. That is God’s way of saying, “You will look foolish, and you will feel foolish.”
I’ve counseled marriages, families, and church conflicts where I was tempted to believe the person I knew best and discount the person I didn’t know. Every time I have yielded to that temptation, I have regretted it. A pastor once complained to me about his board—on and on he went. Later I spoke with a former board member and heard the other side. The “big problem” was far smaller than advertised, and the pastor’s frustration came mainly from not getting his way. I was so thankful I had not spread his version as gospel. Proverbs 18:13 saved me from shame.
Knowledge, Understanding, Wisdom—The Holy Spirit’s Order
Proverbs lays out God’s sequence for sane decisions: Knowledge—collect the facts. Ask questions. “What happened? When? Who was present? What exactly was said?”
Understanding—arrange the facts. This is meditation. Lay them side by side. What connects? What contradicts? What’s missing?
Wisdom—apply the facts. Now you act. Not with emotion, but with order. Not with rumor, but with righteousness.
Between knowledge and wisdom is a sacred hallway called prayerful meditation. The Holy Spirit loves that hallway. He meets you there, opens Scripture, checks your heart, and shines light on motives—yours and others.
Three Kinds of Offenses—and Why Borrowed Offenses Are the Most Dangerous
Quick conclusions breed offenses. An offense takes a molehill and turns it into a mountain. The New Testament warns, “Woe to that man by whom the offense comes” (Matthew 18:7).
Direct offense—Someone offends you directly. Maybe they criticized you. Maybe the report you heard was true (a criticism), maybe it was false (a lie). Maybe you misread a look or body language and concluded the worst. Feelings flare and fellowship suffers.
Given offense—You offend someone else. Sometimes intentional (and you know it), sometimes unintentional (and you wish with all your heart you could take it back). Words matter.
Borrowed offense—You accept someone else’s offense as your own. They come with a story—perhaps about a friend you have known for years, or a minister you trust—and you swallow it without ever hearing the other person. This happens in homes, friendships, offices, and churches. I’ve seen believers leave a church over something a stranger said about a pastor they had known for years. Later, when the pastor explained, they realized it was blown out of proportion—but embarrassment kept them away. That is the silent tragedy of a borrowed offense. The cure? Be a king—search it out. Tell the person, “I won’t take up your offense. Let’s bring the other person in. If you won’t speak to them, I will.” Unity is too precious to trade for hearsay.
Who Abides in God’s Presence?
Psalm 15:1 answers a beautiful question: “Lord, who may abide in Your tabernacle? Who may dwell in Your holy hill?” The answer includes three simple traits:
He who walks uprightly—A straight walk, no crooked agendas.
Works righteousness—Actions that match God’s ways.
Speaks the truth in his heart—Honest words from a clean conscience.
Then David adds in verse 3: “He who does not backbite with his tongue, nor does evil to his neighbor, nor takes up a reproach against his friend.” There it is again—don’t “take up” a reproach. Don’t borrow an offense. Don’t carry someone else’s grievance as if it were yours. Yes, you will still go to heaven if you meddle and backbite, but you will not abide in the sweet presence of God here and now. Peace with God and peace with people travel together.
Slow to Wrath, Quick to Hear
The New Testament echoes Proverbs: “Be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath” (James 1:19). When a report comes, delay your emotions. Put your spirit in the driver’s seat and your soul in the passenger seat. Ask three simple questions:
Do I have all the facts? (Usually, no.)
Have I prayed over this? (Often, not yet.)
Have I gone to the source? (This is where most conflicts die—in a good way.)
When you move in that order, the will of God has time to surface. The Holy Spirit has room to work. The Scriptures you have hidden in your heart rise to the top and season your words with grace and truth.
Practical Steps: How Kings “Search Out a Matter”
Invite both parties. If one refuses, document what you have heard and kindly let them know you can’t act until the other side is present. You are not stonewalling; you are stewarding.
Listen without siding. Give each the dignity of uninterrupted time. Take notes. Ask clarifying questions, not gotcha questions.
Separate facts from feelings. Facts are what happened; feelings are how it felt. Both matter, but they are not the same.
Appeal to Scripture. “Let your speech be always with grace, seasoned with salt.” Apply the Word as seasoning, not as a sledgehammer.
Pray together. The Prince of Peace does His best work when offended hearts humble themselves under His lordship.
Decide with wisdom. True wisdom often preserves relationships, sets boundaries, and points forward—not backward.
God knows “the end from the beginning.” We don’t. That’s why patience is faith’s best friend. Patience doesn’t ignore problems; it refuses to be driven by them. Patience gathers, prays, and waits until the fog lifts. “He who handles a matter wisely will find good.” Give the Lord time to bring the good up to the surface.
